The Pageantry That Is the Academy Awards

7:58 pm
A friend of mine did a play by play blog on the Grammy’s. It was so good that I thought I’d try my own play by play for the Oscars. So, here I am, sitting on the couch, laptop in hand (well, on lap is more accurate) , preparing for…

THE 79TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS!

Woo Hoo!

8:15 pm
Wasn’t this thing supposed to start fifteen minutes ago? Sheesh. I hate Ryan Seacrest. If you’re going to host a red carpet event that is supposed to be about fashion than talk about fashion. It’s a good thing that people out there love him. You know who I’d like to see more of?

George Clooney.

Can we get him to host something? He’d be a great interviewer. Very charming.

8:25 pm
Wow. Kate Winslet looks stunning. My lord. I love her. Maybe she can co-host with George…

8:30 pm
Yay! It started!

Wait, where’s Ellen? And who are all these not-very-attractive people in a movie that I am having no interest in, because I don’t see Ellen?

Oh, wait…there’s JHud. I get it, it’s the nominees. Wah-wah…BRING ON THE MONOLOGUES! I wonder if Ellen will dance…

8:40 pm
Oh, there’s Ellen. She looks great! And thank god she’s not wearing sneakers. I really like the white Italian leather. Very classy, and glammed up…for her. And whoever did her hair and make-up should win an award.

Mandy agrees with me.

She seems…nervous. What’s up, Ellen? Get it together sweetheart…
She says if there were no blacks, Jews, and gays there would be no Oscars. It’s funny because it’s true. Camera cuts to some blacks, some Jews, and some gays. Yay, Melissa Ethridge! What is she doing there… oh, ya…she’s got a song for that Al Gore movie nominated. I was so busy trying to figure out why she was there that I stopped paying attention. Now there’s a gospel choir. And a tambourine.

And she’s dancing.


8:48 pm
Award Time!
Wow. You go Nicole Kidman. That dress is amazing. Her hair looks perfect. And Daniel Craig – there are no words… His eyes haunt me. In a good way.

Crap, I am so distracted by the two gorgeous people that I have NO idea what is going on.

Oh, “Pan’s Labyrinth” just won for Art Direction. The first of many categories that I don’t care about. I am going to refresh my diet coke during the speech…

8:55 pm
Why is Will Ferrell singing? Where did he come from, and, more importantly…
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT HAIR?!
Ugh, Jack Black. I know people like him and think he’s funny… But mostly he just reminds me of the obnoxious kids in high school that did stupid stuff during assemblies that weren’t all that funny. He is still in high school.

And I am still rolling my eyes.

Peter O’Toole has no idea what’s going on. I think his hospice workers over-medicated him for this event…

Ok, done singing. Make-up Award…”Pan’s Labyrinth”

Maybe I should see that movie… The clips look kinda creepy on here. Very interesting.

Mandy just told me there are subtitles.

Maybe I won’t see it…

9:04 pm
Um, how many names does Will Smith’s kid need? Yikes. Cute kid though.
Too-long-to-remember Smith and Abigail Breslin are presenting for Best Animated Short. It’s funny cuz they’re short…haha

And the Oscar goes to…oh wait, little Smith just skipped to the next award. Will and Jada were so busy forcing him to make movies that they forgot to teach him how to read.

PS- love Abigail Breslin. And thank God she looks like a little girl and not dressed in some Dakota Fanning-esque couture nightmare. She’s so cute.

I don’t even know who won. I was too busy laughing at the little black boy…

Unless my eyes deceive me, I think I just saw an arab version of West Side Story win an Oscar. Shouldn’t we not give them awards if we are blowing them up? Hmmm…

9:10 pm
Commercial Break. I should’ve waited until now to get my coke, then I could’ve pee’d too…

9:17 pm
A choir is doing a sound effects tribute.

Is this for real? And do they do birthdays?! I’m totally into this. Very cool.

Cut away to Beyonce, which reminds me…
Love the hair. Love the gown. HATE the pageanty rock thing over her shoulder. She was SO close to getting it right. Still, way better than that ghetto-fabulous gold monstrosity she wore to the Golden Globes.

Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear are presenting. Not very funny…
And the award goes to…some guy, whose dad apparently survived Iwo Jima. That’s nice to know. My dad survived Vietnam. Maybe I should be a Sound Editor too… Can’t be that hard and I could go to the Oscars and meet George Clooney.

Jessica Biel is presenting. Why is she here? And is that the goat boy from Narnia? He’s kinda cute…damnit…what are they presenting?!

“Dreamgirls” wins for sound editing. JHud looks so happy… You’d think she had mixed the sound as well as carried the movie.

9:26 pm
Rachel Weisz is presenting Best Supporting Actor. She looks good. A little dark, but good. Love the Vera Wang gown. I think she hit that right on for what’s in this season. And my God, look at her necklace! Ok, Rachel, announce Eddie Murphy so he can say thanks to the Academy.

OMG He didn’t win. Alan Arkin won for “Little Miss Sunshine”.

OK, I was really happy about his win, until he decided to give the most boring speech EVER. And is he that old that he can’t hold up an Oscar AND a piece of paper? Why is it on the floor? That’s not very appreciative…

Mandy agrees.

9:35 pm
I don’t understand the dancers behind the screen. I mean, I get it. It’s cool. But again this is feeling more like a birthday novelty act than an Academy Awards show.

NOTE: Randy Newman needs to go away. I’m over it. And James Taylor needs to go with him. And I love Melissa, but the words on the screen are just kicking a dead horse. We know, we know…we’re ruining the earth. I suppose I shouldn’t gripe seeing as that was the point of the movie. I just hope they don’t turn this awards ceremony about film into a political environmentalist affair.

9:41 pm
I wrote too soon. Al Gore and Leo are on stage…here comes the lecture…

Mandy quips about how fat Gore has gotten. It’s funny cuz it’s true. I’d vote for a fat president about as fast as I’d vote for an over-stuffed millionaire who thinks he’s qualified because he worked on the Olympics back when.

Ok, refocus…

The Oscars are green.

Kwah? I don’t get it. I suppose this political environmentalist moment was inevitable. Leo looks good though… I’m not usually into him so I’m a little taken back by my own enthusiasm.

Mandy agrees :-)

9:46 pm
Cameron Diaz is presenting Best Animated Feature. Boy, I hate her dark hair. Why can’t she go back to being a fun Hollywood blond? And I hate the dress. She is wrapped in curtain. An expensive curtain, probably. But a curtain none the less.

“Happy Feet” wins. “Monster House” was way cooler than the penguin movie.

What is Ben Affleck doing? Oh, I forgot that he has an Oscar for screen-writing. “Jersey Girl” and “DareDevil” must’ve blocked that from my memory… And here comes the boring montage.

I would like to take this moment to say that I love when they cut to celebs when “Nobody’s” win. And then the celebs look bored. And I like that because I am bored, and I feel like we have something in common.

It’s almost like actually being there…

9:55pm
Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren are presenting. Wow, she looks amazing. Good for her! It is afterall the year of Mirren. What I don’t understand is why we still care about Tom Hanks…

Best Adapted Screenplay goes to “The Departed”. Whatever. Jack Nickolson looks like he cares about as much as I do.

And Peter O’Toole still looks over medicated and, if at all possible, even more confused than he did when this parade started.

10:10 pm
I love love LOVE the new display of costumes! This is so much better than watching videos of pictures and concepts. How fun to actually see the costumes there on the stage! My one complaint…

We should’ve learned from Giselle and Tyra that models, no matter what they may think, CANNOT ACT. So please, in future years, please tell the models to show the clothes and leave the horrible attempts at recreating Meryl Streep’s brilliant performance at the door. It is taking away from the clothes.

How cute were Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt?! One of the nights highlights for sure. I wonder if Streep was in on the joke.

Mandy says she’s just that brilliant.

I have to agree. Because the girls are just so tickled by it. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have worked with her. Not that she hasn’t work with EVERYONE, cuz she has. But I mean in this film particularly. I wish it could win best picture…

Hey! It’s CRAZY! Formerly known as Tom Cruise. A man I couldn’t care less about.
Giving an award that I couldn’t care less about.
To a woman who needs to eat something.
Wah-wah.

10:20pm
Gwyneth Paltrow is beautiful.

But her dress looks like brunch. All she needs is a bagel and schmear to go with her hand-sewn lox…
“Pan’s Labyrinth” won again. Mandy suggests that we actually go see it. I tell her that I’ll go see it if she goes to see “Lyrics” with me. She’ll think about it…

10:30pm
I heart Robert Downey Jr. The man is hot. All there is to it. Naomi Watts looks uncomfortable. And kind of like Michelle Williams circa last year…

“Pirates” wins…something. I was distracted by Robert Downey Jr, and laughing at his drug joke. I love me a man who can make fun of himself. And still come off looking that yummy. Kinda like Clooney…where is George? We need to get to the Best Supporting Actress already! I’m bored.

I was thinking about Downey and Clooney and totally missed what the foreigners were saying. I think there was a montage… I wish I cared enough to rewind.

Clive Owen has a big head. Very sexy-ugly.

A german film wins an award.

I need to go to bed…

10:40 pm
GEORGE CLOONEY! Ok, I’m up!
Mandy compares him to Cary Grant, and I agree through my face-splitting grin. I love that he gets to give Jennifer Hudson her Oscar… I’m sure she’ll win…

Ok, here comes the envelope and the winner is…

JENNIFER HUDSON!

Not surprised but totally elated for her! Oh, she kissed Clooney…

Lucky Bitch.

She’s so cute. And so grateful. And really into God right now. It’s ok, JHud, you cry and party it up! Just don’t fall back into oblivion after this…please?

11:00pm
Went to the bathroom and grabbed a snack. Came back to Celine Dion singing a boring song. Is she wearing Gwyneth’s dress?

11:02pm
Clint Eastwood is translating for some Italian guy. Cut to the audience, who looks just as confused as I am.

Again, it’s nice to have something in common with them!

11:20pm
“Wolverine” and “Selma Hayek part 2” (love her dress by the way…It’s very Sex and the City when Carrie falls asleep waiting for the Russian to take her to dinner her first night in Paris…) just gave Babel an award for… I don’t know. I was thinking about Sex and the City and looking for my cell phone to call Brian. Then I found my phone and the battery was low, so I decided to call him back later.

And by later, I mean I’ll email him tomorrow…

“Little Miss Sunshine” just won the screenwriting award. Good for Joe Schmoe who used to be Matthew Broderick’s assistant. I think quitting that job was a good career move. If he had worked for Sarah Jessica, that would be a different story. But Matthew Broderick? Meh…

The dancers just make the Devil’s stiletto. Seriously, how did they do that…?!

11:32pm
J-Lo is introducing the “Dreamgirls” songs. The awards now again have my FULL attention.

JHud looks wonderful. Such a great dress! Although I’m worried that her boob is going to pop out. YIKES! She looks so happy; I’m so happy for her!

WOW! Beyonce looks incredible. I LOVE that dress! How come she didn’t just wear that one on the red carpet? Instead of her coral and vegetable medley? Can I just tell you how much I love that she’s like “You didn’t nominate me, but I’m still going to sing the $hit out of this song!” Her hair looks so great (did I already mention that?)

Anika Noni Rose is here. She didn’t want us to forget that she was in the movie too. But I don’t like this song. And I really don’t like home-boy here singing this song.

Cute! They’re like back-up singers!

And did everyone else here Anika Noni Rose just hit that high note Outta the Kodak? WOW.

By far the BEST musical performance I have EVER seen at the Oscars. That was truly amazing. You Go, Dreamgirls!

Queen Latifah and John Travolta give best Song to Melissa Ethridge. I love her, so I’m not totally bummed that Dreamgirls got shut out. I love that she thanked her wife.

I want a wife.

And by wife, I mean husband.

And by husband, I mean someone who can hold my attention for more than the usual week that it takes for me to get bored.

Hmm, getting distracted again…

11:50pm
Ok I’m bored of the Oscars. This has gone on for FAR too long.
Kate Winslet (who looks absolutely amazing) gives an award to an old lady who did the Editing on “The Departed”

Looks like Scorsese might just finally win one.

Crap, the dead people montage. I’m going to fall asleep.

12:02pm
Philip Seymour Hoffman needs a comb.
Helen Mirren wins for the Queen.
Mandy and I both drone yet again about how great she looks. She really is such a cute old lady…
By the by…couldn’t they find a good picture of Dame Judy? What was with all the turquoise?!?

Chris Connelly bugs, and I’m having a really hard time paying attention now. Mandy says she’s going to bed, and to just fill her in in the morning. Well she’s got another thing comin’ if she thinks I’m just going to tell her.

She’ll have to read the blog ;)

12:13pm
I have to get up at 5:00am. This sucks!
Reese looks great. Love the dark purple dress, but kinda wish her hair was more elegant.

Forrest Whitaker and his wonky eye win Best Actor. Will Smith is crying…because Forrest won or because he didn’t? I have no idea.

MAYBE Jada just told him she’d kick his a$$ if he didn’t win… She’s a tough black chick, she could do it and I’d be SCARED.

Spielberg, Coppola, and Lucas come on and try to be funny. Directors shouldn’t think that they can be funny…

Marty Scorsese wins. It’s about time. Maybe I should see “the Departed”…

12:20pm
Diane Keaton is presenting the Best Picture nominees while Jack Nicholson looks lazy and bored. I am so not a fan of his bald head, and someone needs to get his aging a$$ to a gym. Keaton looks great, but I am bugged that she is giving thumbs up to the nominees. Lame Diane…Lame.

“The Departed” wins. Ok, now I will go see that movie. Or rent it or something. I’m glad “Babel” didn’t win, but kinda sad “Little Miss Sunshine” didn’t. It would be nice for something like that to win. Funny, relatable, and “off-color”.

But the mob movie is the winner.

Ellen says goodbye and there is confetti. Reminds me of the ‘American Idol’ finale…
I wonder when Kelly Clarkson’s new album is coming out?
And NOW I am going to bed!